tw: mentions of suicide, self harm, nothing graphic but yea

Hello again. I didn't think I'd be back so soon but lately mornings really are the hardest.

Usually I'll wake up around 8AM no matter what, I guess my circadian rhythm is just really good though I think it might also be because I use those bluelight filters on all my electronics since I'm basically bound to them 24/7. When I do wake up I'm usually pretty groggy because it really is 8AM NO MATTER WHAT I could be coming home from a party and getting into bed at 5AM and I'll still wake up early. When that happens sometimes I try to go back to sleep and usually from there I'm like in between awake and asleep I'll have like 2 or 3 30 minute dreams before waking up feeling kinda sour. I'll dream I'm in a restaurant run by fish with every aspect considered like they'll have little bubbles to hold drinks in instead of cups cuz its underwater, or I'll be playing a fake video game and I'll try really hard to make it glitch usually for some reason. Or I'll deadass have one of those "I'm in my underwear and late for school and also late for work somehow" dreams. I tend to take them at face value so I'll end up pretty invested and scared easily in them.

The dreams aren't really what makes mornings difficult. I couldn't tell you exactly why besides obsession, but when I wake up with a sour stomach and that tired feeling my mind usually wanders to thoughts of my ex. Maybe it's because being in a relationship had me feeling the same way. At this point I couldn't really tell you. I've stirred those thoughts around into a nice pungent soup that you sip and then immediately dump out because its weeks old. It's starting to fucking curdle I think.

Yesterday after finishing that first blog post I streamed playing some Klonoa: Door to Phantomile for a friend of mine over Discord. She lives out in Florida super far away, her living situation is pretty rough so being able to connect with her is quite nice. We met recently but we have a lot in common, she is a nice friend to have.

I was playing and I'm worried I didn't absorb it all properly, I feel like as an adult it's become wayyy too easy to start filtering shit out, not seeing the full picture to preserve my energy or some shit. It's real bad because I feel like I've already been dealing with that problem. I mentioned really hamfistedly last post that I have ADHD and while I don't think it's the cause of all my problems or something I do feel like I am mentally impaired in a sense. Being on adderall is definitely helping me sit still to write these long blog posts which I'm thankful for.

Anyways it's pretty sick yea but during the game and afterwards we were talking about life stuff. I mentioned she is in a not-ideal living situation though I don't wanna divulge her business (I know the site is anon but it feels like bad karma), and she was talking to me about this specific feeling that's been getting to me as well. There's this idea that BEING YOURSELF will get you the things you need in life and while I can kinda see how that works it's been a big point of frustration at least for me coming out of highschool and into adult living. It feels like while being yourself is freeing and nice there's some secret extra thing where like, some people's selves are just more attractive to society at large. I can be deeply myself but when I am it doesn't seem to strike people the way someone who likes... uhh.. travel... or fashion or photography or something.. might.

I just graduated college and finally got my diploma in an email yesterday, and the entire time I was in college even though I met a lot of people and they know me and I run into them at events in the city, I feel like I didn't make any close friends at all. I'm feeling stunted as hell in my emotional self because I've spent so much time in mourning that I've been doing even more of that filtering out that I mentioned when playing Klonoa. Being so stunted I tend to think about what it means to be popular with people, how to attract new people towards you what it means to be a people person. My ex was quite the people person. When we were in highschool they seemed to attract all kinds of attention and butted heads with tons of different people. It seemed like a big pain, I didn't know how to deal with my exhaustion at the time between being unmedicated and swearing off caffeine (I was really prideful about it for no reason), so I usually kept my head down. I worry that a lot of people only ever knew me as their weird boyfriend. That's probably accurate, but the nice thing is it actually will never matter ever right cuz the moment has passed.

Anyways add overthinking to that thought and you begin to really justify it. Yea of course they got a bunch of attention they're a pretty femme (sorta, kinda, eh, sorry) who likes anime and computers and knows how to dress and blah blah blah. Jealousy right? I was deeply jealous of someone who trusted me with their whole self, is that insane? I feel pretty stupid about it, but I can't say I ever really learned how to cope with the feeling, try as I might've.

So talking to my friend now, hearing her say similar things, it reminded me of myself. She kept repeating the same points, talking herself in circles, overexplaining, overthinking. In that moment I feel like I got possessed by the spirit of the Buddha or something.

I continued on trying to repeat the same idea in about as many ways as I could think of. Even as I'm explaining over and over that overthinking isn't helping she still kept trying to explain herself. It was funny because it reminded me deeply of a conversation I had probably more than once with my ex about the same thing. They were a cool witch when we were talking so they studied all kinds of spirituality and stuff and read a whole bunch of books about existing and acting and getting the things you want. They were completely unashamed to go for what they desired and at times it frustrated me because I didn't feel the same. Even now the idea of doing things selfishly scares the crap out of me, I worry about mistakes, about hurting people, and the rub of it all is that those things are going to fucking happen regardless. I know because it happened between the two of us. I tried so hard not to hurt their feelings, but by not acknowledging my own the pain came regardless of what I wanted.

I wasn't upset at my friend for making excuses, because I'd been in exactly the same place before. When my ex would try to talk to me about detachment and stuff, I got so deeply frustrated. I knew what they were saying held ground but it felt like there was a blockage. Something Wrong With Me specifically. It reminds me of a scene from this silly B-horror movie I've seen too many times.

On the homepage I say I've been living as half a person for 3 years. I feel like it might be longer to be honest. I didn't enter college because I wanted to. I literally did it to appease my parents when they probably wouldn't have given a shit either way as long as I was making money. I knew that and the entire time I talked myself in circles about what a bad idea it was, but I never felt the need to act on that feeling. Never trusted myself enough to. The first time I really did try to take a risk was during my third term in community college.

I spent a year in a fancy private college where I learned a whole lot of nothing, video game development is still a very new pedagogy and I had prior experience unlike some of my peers. But then Covid happened and I had to move home which basically defeated the point, I'd only really gone to get away from my parents' house. I was at a crossroads then, and my ex in their witchyness presented it to me as such with a tarot reading. I don't remember exactly what the cards I drew were, but I know the reverse Tower XVI showed up at the end. They told me what I already knew, I could go the traditional route laid before me by someone else, or I could forge my own path, regardless, big change was going to come to my life.

That was in 2021, maybe 22 I forgot, but regardless I spent all my time at my first community college thinking about those cards. The ironic thing is that one of the main reasons I went to begin with was so I could make enough to support someone. In the beginning that someone was them. we stopped talking around the fall of 2022, they decided that they wanted to be just friends, and in my petty worldliness I couldn't bear the thought of them meeting someone else. Of being on the sidelines as they soared. That's the only way I could picture it playing out, the physical reality and my mental reality trapped me in a cage that I'm still trying to break out of.

In 2023 I reached out to them and we reconnected for the last time. I was deep in my weed habit, they asked me to keep things platonic while making passes at me at the same time. I decided to humor their passes and complicate things which went about as well as one could expect. This was the big risk I took. The one time I decided to throw my thoughts to the side and do something selfish and it just ended up driving away someone who I wanted to be my friend. Who I wanted to know into the future and see grow into the amazing person I knew they could be. For some reason they were the one person I didn't seem to have trouble hurting. I guess its because they were the only one who really cared to pry me out of my shell, the shell is convenient for everyone else, when I'm in it I'm clumsy and affable and appear vaguely kind without ever taking any action to actually back up the sentiment.

Detachment, mental readiness, confidence, they won't solve every problem a person will face. But as we get older in this world full of illusions and tricks it's becoming more and more necessary, pretty much a moral obligation. The only way you can #resist is by being able to fight off that nagging feeling in your head that it won't amount to anything to begin with. It's avoidance.

I have trouble talking to beautiful women. They seem to have something I don't and it scares me a bit, but I also want to know what it is so I keep hoping that I can eventually meet them where they're at. Keyword EVENTUALLY, I'm creating distance so I don't have to worry about it right now. The truth that I already know but won't admit is that they get to the place they're at through hardship. People get up and dress so bright only for themselves as a ritual to prove that their existence matters (even this is reductive as fuck). I think it's incredible. I want to be like that too. Most of the beautiful women I've known personally have had brushes with death. Either by their own hand or by the hand of another. They've been hurt and survived it. They took risks. I don't have that experience. I can literally fall asleep on the NYC subway at 1AM and it won't matter because no one really gives a shit what some young guy is doing. I've been known to bemoan that, that I'm so completely unassuming to people, when in reality it's the biggest privilege I could have. I'm invisible, unassuming, and that makes me the freest man in the whole city. So when does push come to shove? How do I act on that?

My roommate put on this anime Hitman Reborn the other day and I found it totally juvenile and ridiculous (in a charming way, I was enjoying it), but I can't help but be curious about it now. The characters seem to resonate with people, one of these big anime merch stores you get in a chinese neighborhood like ours has a huge poster up of the goofy main character looking cool. The central plot device is sticking in my mind too. This kid gets shot with a magic bullet, and in his brush with death he comes to realize that if his life was really on the line, if he truly had nothing to lose he would give everything he had to get what he wanted. He surges back to life and does the thing he kept telling himself he could never do. I think I'm gonna read more of it...

I don't want to have to throw myself off a bridge just to get some guts, but there are things I am starting to understand I think. Being is Doing is Becoming, thoughts have no bearing on the person you are because "the person you are" is only really defined by your surroundings, the actual identity part is something you choose. No one else can see your deepest thoughts, you choose to share them and bear the consequences of doing so. That doesn't mean to keep secrets all the time but it means new interactions can become very defensive. You'll try really hard to hide your weak points but the whole reason they're weak points is because they come out when you don't want them to. So you just gotta do the damn thing huh.. reaaalll helpful....

But it's deeply true, and it's something literally everyone on Earth has to either come to terms with or run from their entire life. Thinking is the privilege of humanity, it's allowed us to create our own world within the one we were born unto. At the same time it's our biggest weakness, the only time most other animals will try to kill themselves is when they're in forced captivity...

Training positive thoughts won't make you immune to psychic attacks, but training your muscles won't make you able to lift buildings either. People who train consistently usually aren't doing it assuming they're gonna be the strongest person on Earth, but if they do it's because they actually truly believe that they could be. Anyone else who trains knows that focusing on that ideal is going to burn them out. Acknowledging The Want only serves to further the distance between you and your goal. You know you want it so don't waste energy restating it to yourself over and over again. You already know what you believe. Even these ideas contain nuance, there really is no one answer to our problems if there was everyone would be satisfied already. It'd be scary, like that show Pluribus or something (I caught like 3 episodes maybe I'll watch more when they do a second season).

I've wasted a lot of time wanting, and I think it might be affecting others more than I realized. My ex sent me an email last December. I didn't think it phased me at the time, it's like the second email they've sent to me unprompted so I took it as a chance to reply and apologize. I don't think I'm satisfied with my apology but I used up the chance already so it's out of my control right? (DETACHMENT!!)

Anyways, they emailed me to tell me that they "know what's going on" and to scare me or something. It was a weird email, they sent it to my work email which had me like ???!!??!! already, but then they had made this assumption about me. They thought I was wishing death upon them and that a drawing I'd posted was meant to get their attention. It was a little devil that was really just meant to be me. If I can use this as a confessional real quick, there were a few times in 2025 where I peeped their blog again, like 2 or 3 times that year. I basically used it as self harm, I would read for like 10 seconds and get really upset and close the webpage. I kind of completely sucked ass in those moments. But I bring them up because I gleaned that they use a lot of demonic imagery in their current art and expression, so I can see how they saw that in the drawing I made. But Really and Truly it was just me trying to let off steam. I've wanted to vent on the internet for attention since wayyy before making this site but the idea of doing that surrounding my other body of work, when I'm fuckin handing my instagram out like a business card at parties kinda put me off... If I drew more often and more consistently maybe I would, but there I am making excuses again. For now this is working, it's making me pick up the pen which is more than I can say for myself for a while now. But anywayssss...

They said that they could hear my thoughts, that they knew I was thinking about them, that the reason I was feeling "stuck" was because I am myself and had nothing to do with them, that their boyfriends (PLURAL!!!!!) wanted me to leave them alone.. hrrrmmmm....

The worldly part of me was quick to play defense, and I felt proud of myself for being so quick witted or whatever with my reply. But in the months since it keeps getting on my damn nerves. They were wrong about me wishing death upon them, I don't think of myself as that person, I would take no pleasure in them being hurt. But.. they were right that I'd been thinking about them.. I don't like that.

What was initially relief that they didn't have the whole picture turned into nerves about the fact they had something close to a picture at all. I get the feeling in their psychicness and deep paranoia they read into what I've been putting out there online (which is very little to be clear), but they misread the energies I've been putting out. I haven't been wishing death upon them, I've been wishing it upon myself.

I heard about and saw a lot of self harm in middle school, first generation of kids with social media access will do that, but it always confused me. As a young person my life felt so bursting with potential, like all my goals were still within my reach, so I made a promise to myself that I would never self harm. That promise has rung true in a literal sense, I've never hurt myself in a straightforward way, but my self-hatred got creative about it and found other ways for me to hurt myself. I mentioned before my weed problem, the fact things played out with my ex the way they did at all screams of self destruction, and I doubled down and stayed in College in spite of the fact I knew it wasn't what I wanted. If you really hate yourself that bad your body will find a way, beyond the physical, just the fact that I have this psychic block at all shows that. Even if you've never hated anyone else in your life, the fact we can do these things to ourselves shows that there is a darkness lurking within us.

My ex shot venom in that email, venom I thought myself immune to already but the thing in it that made my antibodies kick in, my will to live, was when they said that the things they did are beautiful and the things I did were not. Who the hell were they to know that? I don't identify with any resentment I might feel about them in that moment, they have every right to hate me, really and truly. What I know about that feeling of resistance I felt, indignation, is that even though I do hate myself so deeply I also want to live deeply. I worry that this blog is just me stewing again, but the fact I've spent like 2 hours each sitting completely focused on writing tells me another story. I'm an artist in my personal life and even with ideas in my head that I love and want so badly to make real I haven't been able to pick up a pen like this in years. I think it's in part because of how I hurt this person. The idea of making the happy-go-lucky shit that I've always dreamed about feels like a facade for the dark disgusting thing that lies within. It feels kinda fake, and since I haven't even been able to find the joy inside of myself to put into the work, I keep looking for it outside of me.

I think I saw them again recently. My ex I mean. I was in a bookstore with some friends on a whim because one of them was visiting. Their train home wasn't coming for another hour or two so we needed to loiter somewhere nearby and the bookstore seemed like an alright option. I was eyeing this book about gang activity from like 2004, I was second guessing myself a ton because I was worried the info inside might be outdated or biased in a bad way but I've gotten a few chapters in by now and it seems to read sympathetic, I'm glad I took a risk and bought it. Anyways I was walking up from the basement I got it in and I think I saw them for just a moment. We met eyes and walked right past each other, the face seemed to match my memory, and they had on those big raver pants they always used to wear when I knew them. Of course it was in a bookstore too, they were extremely well read when I knew them and I'm deeply insecure about how little I read... Couldn't even go in without venting about it to my roommate. I couldn't tell you exactly why I'm bringing it up now but I guess between that and watching All About Lily Chou Chou a few days ago a kind of cocktail brewed up in my mind. The type of poison that makes getting up in the morning and eating breakfast really difficult. I think that feeling activated my antibodies again, that will to live that seems to kick in when nothing else will help. It's what got me to make this website finally after ruminating on it for so long. In a way I still ended up needing them to push me along again.. funny. (not funny)

Superposition, from the wikipedia article I skimmed, is the phenomena where things exist in two different states at once. We can try our best to measure or observe these states but in doing so we kinda stop them from existing at the same time. I love pop science you may have noticed me talking about potential energy in my last post. It's more like a series of philosophy conjectures than an understanding of the full mechanics, right now I don't really mind that cuz it sounds cool as fuck. Anyways, me personally I think that being Present is a kind of superposition. We are animals but we are also something a little more complicated than the average animal. We need to be selfish but in being selfish we need to account for things that aren't ourselves. We have to love ourselves but we also have to be wary of patting ourselves on the back. The moment you stop and try to find that perfect zone in the middle is when overthinking, rumination, starts to dig its roots into you. I did acid one time (oh boy here we fucking go..) and totally freaked out and thought I was gonna die because I didn't do any research beforehand and just thought it sounded cool to get fucked up with my friends. I think part of the reason I had a stressful time with it was because I was trying to zero in on that spot in the middle again. I was digging in, looking through all the weird repeating cones of light in my eyes to see if I could find something greater inside of it. I kept doing it while also believing that if I saw what was in there my brain wouldn't be able to handle it. Can't blame me for being curious. My friend on the other hand, was happy to just be seeing pretty lights and colors. I was so worried about it as some consequence, I wanted to feel consequential, and so I was looking real hard between each moment as if I'd be able to see the individual animation frames of being alive. When we got outside and I put a hoodie on, for some reason I began to feel okay. I think it's because then I was really invisible, no one who we could possibly run into would recognize me at a glance (as if anyone we knew was going to be out and around at 8pm in a storm), so I was essentially whoever I wanted to be. The funny thing is all I ever really wanted to be was myself. That rings true now too. I want to be myself and attract people the way I see other people do it. THE WANTIINGGGG.

In the same vein I'd actually like to get the chance to meet my ex again. I don't know when or in what circumstance but if we could talk again without getting hurt, if I could really apologize to them properly. I'd take the chance, and I'd be willing to see them as they are because I know that while I hurt them I also loved them. Like really deeply to a concerning degree, and maybe that speaks to my lack of self respect but actually I don't really care. I'm trying to build confidence right now, and I'm hoping that by writing this somewhere where someone else can see it I can seperate myself from some of these thoughts finally. That I can flush them out of my brain and begin living the rest of my life. You'll have to excuse me I said I was here to water the seeds but it's more like I'm dumping toxic waste on them. Maybe we'll get some GMO super apples out of it or they'll evolve into those cute apple pokemon (I haven't played since sun and moon idk the name).

Hopefully by letting it out now I won't be so fixated on trying to measure it, the data is already recorded so lets move onto our next test y'know? I'm going to do my best to live in the intersice, it's weird how we're supposed to somehow not care about anything but also care so deeply about everything. It seems like the only way to really navigate it is to Trust your Force and make a move, taking risks and all that. I hit up a friend of mine about going to a rave tonight, and I'm about to submit my job application to be a substitute teacher today too, even as I've been half alive, deeply indignant and sad, I've been working towards creating a life for myself. I'll trust that I can continue to get better at it moving forward.

PS. I know from experience reading something like this can feel a bit frustrating if you're in a similar position. Keep in mind I'm just trying to cope with the things I can't change. I can't lie, I'm suddenly feeling a bit nervous publishing this like it'll come back to bite me, but whatever right let's give it a go. My life might not be on the line but I feel like a sprout of dignity is starting to pop out from the soil. Keep at it.